A NEW SEASON

Spring represents new beginnings and renewal, and I feel that way for the first time in a while. I have to admit to myself that I have been depressed and wallowing in the past for far too long. Perhaps it is a place that all creatives must visit to hone their craft. However, it isn’t a place in which one can live. Existing in that sunken place was crushing to my spirit, making happiness something I vaguely remember. It was unfair to the people around me because they never got to see the real me. It also robbed me of the fullness of the present moment.

For me, constant comparison of what our family gatherings were like in the past (when my parents were alive) eventually led to not getting together with my siblings at all.

I know I’m not the only one this has happened to. So many families have grown apart. Brothers and sisters who grew up in the same households that were once As Thick as Thieves no longer speak to each other. Or siblings who are outwardly cordial while privately harboring resentment. Some members clique up and continue to have family functions while excluding others. Worst of all, some siblings are embarrassed by their families and where they came from, so they voluntarily exile themselves from their past.

I have had this conversation with friends about how, when the parents die, family ties and traditions are broken. We lament how painful these situations are and how our efforts to reunite the family have been to no avail. Years of this have left me unable to enjoy Thanksgiving without wishing I could replicate what my mother had. Thanksgiving will forever be her holiday, as it should be, and I’m now okay with that. Letting go of the desire has freed me to live in the present and accept it for what it is. I love my family, even though we're not as close as we used to be. I thank God for the parents he gave me and the wonderful memories that they provided. I hope to never forget the time and space we shared, but I must start living in the present for myself and the people who love me.

Like the spring season, this is a time for a fresh perspective on life. I could either keep looking back at the good old days or look forward and dream of the things waiting for me. I lost a home in the Eaton fires in Southern California. Contemplating the future can sometimes be overwhelming, but I look forward to creating something new and beautiful. I’m no longer looking back at a past that can’t be duplicated.